Silver Dew by Suzi Davis

Author:Suzi Davis
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Central Avenue Publishing

Chapter Eleven – Lost

I blindly wandered the streets of Berlin all day. I wanted to be ignored, to crawl under a rock and disappear, and so, not a single person looked my way. My moods flickered between numb disbelief, bitter anger and an all-consuming, broken-hearted sorrow. It was one of the worst days of my life and would have easily won the prize if it weren’t for the still fresh memory of Sebastian being nearly beaten to death last winter. I clung to that horrible memory, reminding myself that though this was bad, that day had been so much worse. I could survive this, I would survive.

I found myself buying a pack of cigarettes of all things and ended up lighting them one by one but never taking a puff. At some point the scent of cigarette smoke had become impossibly intertwined with my memories of Sebastian. There was something unexpectedly calming about watching a cigarette slowly burn itself out as the twists and curls of thin, gray smoke entwined themselves through the air.

The rain came and went throughout the day. Towards dusk, the raindrops began to fall more heavily, the sky darkening unusually early because of the thick, black clouds. I let myself get drenched, willing the icy drops to wash away my shame and pain, to erase all traces of the past that seemed to cling to me wherever I went. It was almost refreshing to splash through the puddles along the still-bustling, early evening streets. As raindrops soaked through my clothes and ran down my face, I began to feel increasingly at peace. There was turmoil still clawing away at my center and pain gnawing on the edges of my heart but I could accept it, for now. I could push it far enough away from my immediate thoughts that I could function, that I could think, that I could survive. And with this calmer, more rational sense of mind, I could see what I had to do. I had to go back.

I looked up from the puddle-strewn sidewalk before me and examined the building fronts that lined the streets. My subconscious mind must have already come to the conclusion I had only just consciously reached. I immediately recognized the route back to Mags’ apartment, I had been slowly making my way in the right direction for some time. I could make it back there now within an hour.

I walked faster, with more purpose having decided what I must do. The rain was starting to truly chill me now and my teeth began to chatter. I felt sick and depressed, and angry and afraid, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Sebastian and Mags who I’d left alone together all day. I hated to admit it, but I was jealous. I was so many things in that moment and it was impossible not to feel them all. I was hurt and confused. I was furious at myself for being so weak that I couldn’t stay away but at the same time, my heart was rejoicing that I was returning.

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